In Colin's post, he describes the idea of forced renewal. Through the metaphor of crashing a car, the reader is drawn to consider the cleansing power of complete destruction. Now, the car crash fantasy, if it can be called that, is one that I've had very frequently through the years. It isn't necessarily a wish to end my life or even inflict severe pain. Rather, I interpret this fantasy much as my friend Colin, as a chance to renew.
What I'd like to do is extend that idea a bit. Those close to me know that over the past 3-4 years, I've done a complete 180 degree turn in my lifestyle. I credit these changes to several significant losses and their profound impacts on my outlook on life and my control over it. What I realized is that while I was miserable, day in and day out, the melancholy was familiar. I stuck with the shitty parts of my life (almost entirely the results of my behaviors, mind you) because I was comfortable in them. I knew my place in the lives of those around me, specifically, as a bystander, watching life go by without a clue as to how to engage in it.
Now, I won't drag on with my story of change. Instead I'd like to explore that unproductive and disastrous complacency that I wallowed in. I think we get into these patterns of being and acting that seem impenetrable. We get locked into a routine, however unsatisfying, and get stuck in its familiarity. I think the allure that Colin's crash provides is a method of busting out of that routine without being forced to choose. I even find myself at times internally seeking disaster simply to compel myself to throw out the routine. We don't like acknowledging that we create the vast majority of the miseries from which we suffer as a direct result of our inaction.
When catastrophe strikes, we instinctively recognize that the status quo cannot be maintained. It's a brief opportunity to reinvent ourselves and our lives with a "get-out-of-jail-free" card. It's like a vacation from being you. When we encounter a tragedy, we don't respond with cool, calculated, future-oriented decisions. We respond with that which we know will serve our needs and keep us from hurting. In other words, we do precisely what we want. Wouldn't it be incredible to always interact with the world in this way? If we could spend a bit more time focused on doing what we actually want to do and a bit less on what we feel we ought to want to do, can you imagine the freedom?
I think crashing appeals to me on several levels. Primarily, however, I think it speaks to my desire to take risks, shake things up, and make decisions about my self-interest without respect to potential consequences. I'm going to meditate today on taking such steps without catastrophic loss. I'm going to spend some time evaluating 1) How much my daily life demonstrates my will for living, and 2) What steps I can take to increase that last thing.
I wish it worked that way. I remember lying on that body board riding to the hospital with a six inch divot in my arm and spending seven hours on a bed in the ER with people poking around inside of it and thinking things needed to change.
ReplyDeleteThen I got back to my life and realized that none of the people in power that I need to submit to to get to where I want to go in life gave a shit, and that things weren't going to change. And now they're back to the way they were long before the crash.
The comps have stolen my will to live.