I whole-heartedly oppose New Years' resolutions. To me, these scarcely sincere mutterings of promises and pledges feel equivalent to fad dieting: The intentions are great but nobody makes meaningful change because of socially-imposed choices. We make these plans simply because ceremony (or the repercussions of New Years Eve ceremony) calls for them. We've spent three weeks binge eating and toasting the nights away, after which our bodies are screaming for change. We interpret this as motivation for our resolutions, but once our equilibrium returns, out goes said motivation.
This year, instead of coming up with grandiose plans of weight loss or financial frugality, I have found myself in these first frozen days of the burgeoning year reflecting on the state of affairs in my life. Rather than setting myself up for failing on unrealistic resolutions, I'm choosing to spend this time of emotional and mental rebirth to reconnect with the plans and values that I already have. Bear with me while I circle around the point.
When I began this wellness journey over four years ago, I didn't really have much of a plan. I knew that I was 1) 320lbs., 2) depressed, and 3) physically and emotionally toxic to myself and those around me. I found myself in a rather desperate position. I had no idea how to climb out of the hole in which I'd found myself, but I knew that I had to start climbing. The place I started was weight. As I starting feeling better, the changes suddenly piled up and before I knew it, my life was nearly unrecognizable.
Since that very dark time in my life, I have spent a great deal of time trying to make sense of both how I got there and how I got out. I came to see the driving force of the downward spiral not to be some self-destructive expression of deeply-seated self loathing. Rather, I see it as the absence of the motivation not to continue spiraling, what I currently think of as a will to be well. Staying alive matters, as silly as it sounds, and it didn't always. This desire to stay alive, happily and healthfully, made decisions about dessert, beers, exercise, relationships, etc. much simpler. If it is inconsistent with the stated goal, it needn't be part of my life.
Now, back to today. As anyone who has made significant life changes can attest, the reinforcing power of external support wanes over time. Where I was once thrilled simply to see numbers drop on a scale or run my first 8k, my routine has become so... well... routine that it's easy for things to slide. I can excuse having one extra piece of cheese on my sandwich, or skipping one more yoga class, or having one (or three) more beers. Like a ship at sea, incremental changes in navigation can lead to an entirely different course. But that doesn't necessarily mean that an entirely new course must be plotted. Radical changes in direction may lead to even worse outcomes.
This New Years, I am taking the "sliding on ice" approach. When a car begins to slide, the best course of action is not to quickly and violently jerk the wheel back into traffic. One need only recognize that the slide is occurring and then calmly and gently steer back with small adjustments in the intended direction. This year I want to honestly a openly acknowledge the various slides in my life, not from a place of punishment or self deprecation. I will work to respond with gentle adjustments to reconnect with that same spirit that got me out of the spiral to begin with. Instead of a complete overhaul, I will deliberately and mindfully target the areas of my life that have become misaligned with the values that undergird them.
No comments:
Post a Comment